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  • Writer's pictureTori Shirah

Guilt, Shame, and Obligation OH MY!


Hey friends. I'm so thankful that you guys are here with me this week. This week's topic. Whew. Heavy. And if you have been in network marketing, direct sales, social selling, whatever you wanna call it for any length of time, I have a feeling that you have experienced some of these emotions, some of these feelings.


So you can for sure. Let me know, because I think that they're heavy. Heavy stop. Okay. So raise your hand. I know that I can't see you, but that's okay. Raise your hand. If you have ever felt shame, raise your other hand. If you've ever felt guilt, raise both hands. If you've felt obligation, anybody, anybody just me.


No. I don't think so. I think it is quite a few of us. And, and let's be honest. Those are some of the feelings that probably had you step away from your business. If you did step away for a period of time and are thinking of coming back or trying to come back. And they suck. like, there's no other way to put it because those are all like doozies.


Those are not light emotions and they make us feel less than they make us feel inferior. They make us feel sad and just overall heavy. And one, those are all feelings that are not from. Period. If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior. Shame guilt and obligation to religion are all gone because you are forgiven and you are perfect because you've gone washed by the blood of Christ.


And so we should never feel shame for our past. We should not feel guilt and we certainly don't need to feel obligated to do anything. The feeling of obligation to pray or obligation to quiet time. Those things. While they're not necessarily required. I don't think anywhere in the Bible, it says, be sure to have your 15 minutes of quiet time every day, but the act of doing those things, prayer, quiet time and spending time worshiping, they only benefit us, which is amazing in itself is that our time with the Lord changes us and just changes everything when you do it.


And so again, application is not something that you should feel. Certainly when you're worshiping and being with the Lord. So you certainly don't need to be feeling those things in your business, but let's talk about why. Where do those feelings come from? Why do we feel those things? First up probably comparison.


Right? How often do we see the shout post that somebody has got, you know, somebody hit the next rank or somebody hit this bonus that you, you know, or got the incentive trip that you wanted or earned the, finally earned the company car, or just got the recognition that you wanted. And you're just not there yet.


And that makes us feel kind of like, Ugh. I've been in it longer than they have. And we start to feel that shame. Like, we feel like, am I not doing enough? Or, you know, I'm on all the team calls that they're on and I'm on, I'm doing all the things and it's just not happening for you. And so we start to compare and that's where some of that shame feels.


Okay. What about guilt? Do you ever feel guilty when you've been coached by your upline or your mentor, whoever. And you're starting to feel like I've gotta do you know, here's your checklist for the day. I've gotta do so many reach outs. I've gotta make a post personal post. Then I've gotta do my business post.


Then I've gotta do my product post. And then I need to check on six different customers. And then I need to. Do engagement on Facebook. So I get some engagement and then I need to do some engagement on Instagram. I need to put in my stories. And then ultimately at the end of the day, if you haven't checked everything off your list, you start to feel guilty.


Like, Ugh, I didn't do it and I should have done it because I know that by doing these things consistently is only gonna get me where I wanna go. And this is gonna get me to the rank. This is gonna get me to the incentive trip. This is gonna get me to the team. This is gonna make me be a better leader. Or Ugh, I didn't do the book club.


I didn't read this week and you start to feel guilty then how about obligation? There's the book club that is, you know, once a month or the leadership calls that they're like, well, if you really wanna be a leader, if you really wanna be in that middle management, those middle ranks, I guess, or. Promotions, you know, you're really gonna need to learn how to raise a team.


You're gonna need to be in leadership. So you need to be on these calls and then you need to be on the weekly team calls, which is for the whole team. And then you really need to be, you know, you feel obligated cuz you've got guests coming, so you need to be on the phone call that's, you know, for information for them to join or like the testimonials or so you've gotta be on that phone call once a week or once a month, whatever it is for you.


Then you really need to be on the business opportunity because even if you don't have guests, you need to be there to support the people that are sharing and that you actually need to be learning how to share the business opportunity. Because one day you're gonna be leading your own phone calls and gonna be doing that.


Does that ring a bell? Anybody else? Do you feel like that? Okay. Now, if those three emotions, the guilt shame obligation, I wanna say that is the number one reason for burnout period, because we start to hustle because we start to feel that one of those shame I'm not doing enough. I need to hustle guilt.


I'm not doing the work. I need to be doing the work. And so you start to hustle and then you ultimately start to get into a schedule that you can't keep up with because you have X, Y, and Z, and you've gotta do so many things a day. And then the obligation is you're hearing, like you feel obligated to be part of all these things, because you're told all of these things are for your good and all of these things are for your benefit.


And all of these things are for your business and you start to feel like I have to do them all. And I have to be part of them all. And I have to do all the things on my checklist because I don't wanna let anybody down. And my mentor believes in me, my upline believes in me. And my team, they wanna see us win and they wanna see us rank up and blah, blah, blah, blah.


Right. Those are the feelings I felt for a very long time in my first network marketing industry business. And, uh, Would say that. Yeah. For, I have allowed myself to feel those things in my current business as well, but I'll tell you what, since I surrendered my business over to God, my purpose of this business over to God, all of those feelings went away.


Absolutely. Every single one of them. Every day, I have to surrender this business because every day it is difficult to not be in control. Right? I'm not in control of this business. I'm very clear . And when you accept that, you're not in control of the results of the outcomes, it's a good thing. And a bad thing.


Like you realize that. This is not a numbers game. That was a big thing in my first network marketing company is do so many reach outs. You'll get one booking, do so many interviews and you'll get one person to sign up and do the business with you. I think it was like one in 10. It was like, I just haven't talked to enough people yet, because then the other thing too, is that, Hey, you may be talking, let's say you've talked to 90 people.


You've done 90 interviews yet all of those people have said, no. Well, sure enough, 91 through a hundred are gonna be the 10 that say yes. So don't give up, keep going. And while in theory, that sounds great because that sounds like something we can control. And it's an action item and it's tangible. Well, I know that I talk to five people that one of them will say yes, and book an appointment.


Or I know that half of my bookings will reschedule or cancel. So I need to double book and make sure I have enough on my calendar because that's something that I can control. I'm very much. I want to be able to know. I want things. I mean, don't we all, we all wanna have that consistency. We all wanna have the guarantee.


I want five appointments a week, so I'm gonna book 10. We all want the guarantees because. Then that makes us feel better. That makes then we're in control. But when we surrender our business, when we let go of the hustle, the grit and the determination and say, God, do with this, what you will, I'm gonna continue to work, but I'm gonna be honoring on putting you first, my marriage second, and my family third, then he's gonna use this business.


However he wants. Maybe you don't need five bookings a week to accomplish what God wants to accomplish in this business. Have you thought about that? Maybe you don't need 10 people to sign up this month for what God wants to do in this business. Maybe God only needs you to sign up one in particular. He just needs you to show up for this one thing like, and you are praying about it.


You are putting all of this in God's hands. You are showing up where he wants you to show up, and then you just need that one person to sign up because they have an entire. Team, basically that would sign up right behind him. And you don't need to sign up the 10 people y'all God can do the impossible if we let him.


And if you believe in him, but if you are too busy, hustling and feeling the guilt, the shame, the obligation to show up at all the things you are gonna miss out. You are missing out on what he has for you. And what's worse is you're gonna think it's up to you. You're gonna be so conditioned to think that the results every single month are up to you.


The other thing with all of these feelings, the guilt, the shame, and the obligation, and notice how I say them all together, because they really are like, it's almost, you feel one of the three, I almost guarantee you, if you're an unhappy in your network marketing business, or if you are burnt out, or if you left a network marketing business, I guarantee you it's one of those three.


The other thing about those emotions is that when we let those emotions in, when we start to feel those emotions. It's no longer our business. It's somebody else's and not God's. We are let Sonia else dictate the way that we run our business. You're letting some other party that could be your spouse.


That could be, you know, a sideline who tells you, you need to do so much. That could be an upline. That could be one of your mentors, like somebody that you in your company, that you love to listen to, you love their training. And they say, this is how I got it to the top, or this is how somebody at the top works there's business.


And then you start to do all of these things because that, that, well, golly, that's what they did to get there. So I'm gonna do that. If you are starting to. The it's their business and you are letting them dictate this business. Do you see the problem in that? What you thought you were controlling? You're actually, you're, you're handing over to somebody that has no personal relationship with the business.


Now, granted, if it's your up liner, your spouse. Yeah. The paycheck affects them essentially. Cuz your paycheck affects. Either your spouse, cuz you're bringing it home to your spouse or your paycheck depends on your upline. Cuz they're getting part of that, right? Like that's just how our business is designed and that is okay.


That's not a bad thing. Just like in sales. My husband knows in sales, if you wanna say that's a pyramid scheme, by all means if you're anti MLM networking, cuz you've thought about. The managers get paid when the sales rep sell something, it's the exact same and network marketing is the exact same. So I'm sure I'll get emails or comments on this, but the point is guilt, shame and obligation have no.


Place in our business. And when you are feeling them, you have got to stop and go, where is this coming from? And why do I feel it? You have got to identify it. Okay. Now all direct sales businesses, they all have different compensation plans of how they compensate their people. I'm only gonna talk from experience of the two different compensation plans.


I've had the most experience with, let me put that. And again, to remind you, I have spent 14 years in the direct. Industry and with one business in particular, if you did not order like every three months, like once at least once every three months you were considered inactive and you didn't get your commission off of what your team had done, what your team was doing.


There was a certain level too, if you didn't place a, like a certain. Order amount every single month, then you didn't get a certain percentage of what your team was doing. Now. Then my most current company is that if you are placing an order for your own health and wellness products month, you are going to continue to get paid on your team.


And if you have added team members, Like level ones, people that you personally sponsored, depending on how wide your organization is, you will continue to get paid on the fullness of your organization, depending on that. So my current, I would say that for when it comes to residual income, I would say the residual income is better with my current compensation plan than it was with the other one.


My, the first one that I mentioned. Because you get the fullness of that paycheck and you get the fullness of the work that you've done. Okay. I have been in this business for seven plus years, this specific company for seven plus years, there was a time when I was working this business and there was no other team working with me.


And I was just helping people get their wellness products. That was it. Now in the last three years, four years, God has added people to my team and has given them a desire for the income opportunity and they are working it. And. They're building their own teams. And that's amazing. I do not work at the intensity that I was working two and a half years ago.


I'm not working at the intensity. I'm working at a different level and a different space. I have team members now that have big audacious goals, which is amazing. I'm very happy for them and I'm happy to support them any way that I can. And I encourage them and I let them know on a regular that, Hey, if there's anything I can do to help you.


Let me know I'm here. I'm more than happy to do X, Y, and Z for you. If that, if you find that would be helpful, if not, you know, but they're building their own teams and creating their own legacy businesses. If you will, there is the temptation to feel guilt that I am not working, quote unquote hard enough or as hard.


Or as much as they are, and yet I'm still making my paycheck. That's very easy that it's very easy to feel that guilt. And I struggle with that every single day, but God reminds me that like, it's a voice that I hear and him saying, Tori, you put years in. Okay. It doesn't matter what you have done prior to this.


I have given these people to you and your team. For such a time as this, because I have prayed. Before I did this podcast before I launched it, there was a good, probably six months that I thought I was going to set my business down and not do network marketing. And I was gonna walk away and I prayed about it.


I prayed really hard because I was like, God, I don't want to be in this business if you don't want me here. If this is not where I'm supposed to be, I only wanna. Do what you, where you want me, because in all honesty, if that, if you're not in his will, then you are drowning. You are going upstream. It is the most difficult time in your life.


If you are not in God's will. And , I don't wanna do that. I mean, just as simple as like, I don't, that doesn't even sound fun, but we convince ourselves no, no, no. This is where I'm supposed. I dunno when it is that difficult and that upstream and you're praying, and God is going, I don't, no, you need to be doing this.


And you're like, no, no, no, God, I don't really think that, you know what that means. I highly suggest if you're in that season that you like take a moment, take a deep breath and step back and go, wait, you mean, God, if I start going this other way, I will have more peace, more contentment. I will have more joy in my life.


If I start going the way that you want me to go. Oh, That's amazing. I highly suggest you take a look at that, but it is so easy to tell ourselves to say that, oh, I feel guilty because I'm not quote unquote leading, you know, you're not leading the team that you should be or how you should be, who tells you how you should be leading your team, who gets to decide that last time I checked it, this was your business.


Yes. If one of the people that you have added onto your team, if they don't like the way that you're running your business, that's okay. They get to run their business differently. God may have a completely different plan for them on how he wants them to run their business. We can always take suggestions.


This business, everybody thinks that there is a do the way it's always been done. Like don't fix it. If it ain't broke, like, yeah, everybody's gonna give you guidelines. But like, where was this business before social media happened? We all had business plans before social media blew up and we started to use social media.


How are people using that business then that has dramatically changed? Now that social media is an option. Facebook. We work our business differently on Facebook than we do on Instagram, but everything that somebody trains you and teaches you on, and this is the way you need to work your business on Facebook.


And this is the way that you need to work your business on Instagram and you need to be doing this and this, those are all guidelines and suggestions. If you are in the smack dab in the middle of God's will, he's going to bring the people to you, period. You don't have to feel obligated to show up to be the better leader.


Yes. Do personal development. And there's a whole podcast on that one. Listen to that episode about personal development is not another training, but you don't have to show up to everything. And sacrifice time with the important things, your time with God, your time with your spouse and your time with your family, you don't.


So don't let anybody make you feel shame or guilt or obligated to show up to every single one of those trainings. God may use a life experience. God may use a complete season in your life to teach you more than you ever have learned on an hour phone call once a week with your team. And it may have nothing to do with business and it may have nothing to do with your products.


And I have may have nothing to do with mindset and belief. Absolutely. God can do incredible things if you give him the space to do it, but you have got to be with him on this. If you are feeling the guilt, shame and obligation. You have got to get close to God and ask him where it's coming from and how you can let it go.


Those three things have no place in this business. And that is why we are losing team members who are walking away because they are like the people, your business builders that you've had, that all of a sudden got burned out and walked away. It was because they felt guilt, shame and obligation, and us as leaders, quote, unquote leaders, we didn't know how to dress it because we feel the same thing, but we're just powering through y'all.


There is so much peace in my business, in my life when I let go of those three things. And my business is flourishing. Now on the flip side, that's the bonus. The bonuses, the business is flourishing. That's the gift. That's the. But I, I also could tell you that having the peace, the joy, the contentment, even if my business was mediocre, or if I had dropped half my rank or whatever it was, I still have peace, contentment and joy.


When I let these three things go last year and my business was not doing anything, not going anywhere. I had more peace in my life. Than ever before. And honestly, I thought it was because I set this business down. I bet you that you have felt that at some point too, I want you to experience. The joy, the peace, the content.


I want you to experience that it will bring more life back into your business. It will bring back more passion and fun and you'll feel so good about it. If this is where God wants you. Now, if you're trying to swim upstream, and God wants you to close this network business down, he wants you to step away for a period.


Then do. It's worth it. It's so worth it. You need to have that conversation with God. You need to figure out there's so many times now that I just say, God, if this is a door that needs to be closed, shut it, make it abundantly clear, shut the door. I don't wanna go through it if it's not what you have for me.


And when you can pray those kind of prayers and be okay with the outcome, because letting go. Of a business that you have poured your heart and soul into a business that you've had for years, a team people won so hard and I get it. And I understand it because I, I did it with my first business. Like, it almost feels like a piece of you, like you're going through a divorce.


But you have to remember one, this business is not your identity. Okay. And that's something else that you need to remember is that this business is not who you are. God gets to tell you who you are. The other thing too. Is that if you have to set this business down, if you need to step away or just get out completely, you still get to keep the people.


And that's your choice. You get to keep the relationships. Now I will say this, some of those friendships, some of those relationships that you think that you've known for your entire business career, whatever, and you buddy, buddy, and you're so close and you're best of friends, then all of a sudden you stop doing the business and they stop talking to you.


Stop calling you. God is pruning. God is pruning. He is getting the things out of your life and it sucks. It sucks. And I, you know, the year 2020 was so much of a year of pruning for me, so I get it. But man, when he takes those people out, there's a space. And the only thing that can fill that space is him it's.


So him, so when you are looking at this you've. To have those conversations with God. You have to have that quiet time with God. You've got to turn the noise off and just sit and listen to him and go, okay, God, if this is where you want me, and I guarantee you guarantee you that if you say Lord, this is where you want me show me.


Or if you want me to close this door, show me he is going to show you something. You just have to be ready to listen. And you have to be quiet. Okay. Cause how are you gonna tell God, God, if you want me to shut this door of network marketing, and then you continue to hustle to get people, how are you gonna know if he's trying to tell you to shut the door or not?


How are you gonna know? If you continue to hustle and you continue to make things happen, that's not giving him any space to tell you anything. So you've gotta get quiet. You've gotta get still. And listen. And if it is where he wants you, then ask him to help you release the guilt, the shame and the obligation, if that's where you're at, or if you have been burned in network marketing before you love this industry, and God's pulling you back into this industry and you're like, I don't want to, I don't want to cuz you feel the guilt, you feel those few things.


And you're like, this is what I felt and I don't wanna get into it. That's another conversation like, God, help me make this yours. Not mine. Help me not feel guilt, shame obligation. And I'm gonna do my best to encourage you because honestly, those three feelings triggered this podcast because we feel it all the time.


Now, granted we get mom guilt and we get, you know, social media shamed and the obligations. We feel that from our schools, you know, the list of, oh, we want parents to do this and this and this. We need the room moms to do this and this and this. We get those shame, guilt and obligation from a thousand other places.


So the last place we need them is in this business that God's called us to network with. So I'm going to do my best to encourage you and to continue to remind you how to let those things go and where you can let those things go. You don't have to show up, do not feel obligated to show up to everything.


And that'll. Be another future podcast is their schedule is not your schedule, but I just want you to feel the joy, contentment, and peace that you can have in this business without hustling and be exactly where God wants you and still experiencing success, because I'm gonna remind you again, success does not equal.


Success does not equal prosperity. That is not success. That is the world's definition of success. Not God's all right, friends wrapping this up today. I hope this encourages you. If you know somebody that got out of the business or could really use this encouragement, send this to them, share it with them.


Because if you are feeling this, I guarantee you, somebody else has felt this too. And the more people I talk to in this industry, The more, I find out that there's so many of us that feel this way, but we think it's just us. And we think that that we're wrong for feeling that or that we don't have the work ethic or we don't have the determination or something else that this just business isn't made for us.


And that's not true at all. If God wants to use this business with you, he wants to use this business with you. So I encourage you to share it with a friend and I will see you guys here back next week. Session today. I'll see you back here next week. In the meantime, be sure to follow @thereal.torishirah on Instagram.



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